so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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