Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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