i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
