Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
