I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
