I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
