No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
