I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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