Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
