then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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