I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
