I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
