the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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