Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
