I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
