i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
