My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
