My friends, they love my intelligence
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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