I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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