He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
