that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
