This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
