My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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