I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize
