If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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