Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
