i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
