Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
