Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
