Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
