I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
