Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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