I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
