Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
