There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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