I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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