I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We left the knife in your bed.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
