May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
