I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
