sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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