Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
