Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
