I hate your face
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
