What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
