I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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