Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
