Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
