she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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