Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
