Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
